Q: Dear Mainsheet: A friend of mine suggested to me that because it takes a little extra time to unscrew the shackle pin of the belt with the main halyard closure that it might disadvantageously slow down the removal of my pants should I run into a woman whose passions run deep. What do you think?
A: You should also consider that it could be the belt itself that has inflamed her libido. You know, the uniqueness of the article on its own and the smell of prime leather permeating the atmosphere around you can sometimes drive women to distraction. As they say, timing is everything. With good eye contact and a licking of one’s lips, the time it takes to undo the shackle will only heighten the mystery and desire. As a gentleman of refined taste, you know from visiting clubs where women dance and disrobe at the same time that some things are worth the wait. We would suggest you consider this point of view.
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Q: Dear Mainsheet: I want to buy one of your main halyard shackle belts, but I am 76 years old and am sometimes plagued with what we called “the green apple quick step” when I lived in Michigan. In that case, speed is of the essence. Can you help me?
A: We would suggest that when you purchase a belt you order both the main halyard shackle closure and the carabiner closure. The carabiner closure, should you find yourself in perilous straits, is a faster device than the main halyard shackle and could save you from embarrassing yourself in public. On days when think you are at risk, use the carabiner. On days when your constitution is more settled, use the main halyard shackle. It’s always nice to have a choice. Sometimes, even, it’s imperative.
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Q: Dear Mainsheet: I am a sailor. Though I have never had a main halyard shackle fail on my boat, a Hylas 49, wearing one of your belts gives me a backup in case of shackle failure. I like that. Will the shackle that comes with your belt work?
A: Absolutely! Not only with the main halyard shackle work, the carabiner will, too. If you have the good taste and the funds to buy a Hylas 49, our belts are but small change. Buy two.
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Q: Dear Mainsheet: I bought one of your Light Havana main halyard shackle belts and I have enjoyed having it. One evening I was alone, and the bar I was in was filled with girls who had been severely over served. They were on Spring Break. One of the girls, spying my belt and liking it immensely, suggested that I be the lynch pin in a contest. That contest would be that the girls would all put up $5 each for a chance to try to undo the shackle pin with their teeth. The one who did it fastest would win a bottle of champagne. Long story short, I consented. Is it possible to get a free replacement for my Light Havana belt? The one I have has been discolored from drool.
A: We are sorry that we cannot replace your Light Havana belt because of the discoloration. It did not happen because of a manufacturing defect. However, may we suggest a Mahogany belt? Were you to find yourself in a similar situation again, it would be safer to be wearing a Mahogany belt. Of course, your Light Havana belt has many memories attached. Were it still ours, we’d frame it.
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Q: Dear Mainsheet: My wife bought has a knife with a itanium marlinspike. She hangs it around her neck, closed, inside the blouse she might be wearing. The other night she used the shackle key on the marlinspike to tighten the main halyard shackle closure on the Light Havana belt I got from you to where I couldn’t undo it with my fingers and then she proceeded to dance for me like Jamie Lee Curtis danced for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie “True Lies.” It was a most frustrating 15 minutes because I was trapped in my pants. What can I do?
A: We cannot make any suggestions without more evidence. Do you per chance have a video of this dance that you could send us?
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Q: Dear Mainsheet: I’m crazy about my new belt in the Light Havana color. I cannot wear it anywhere without some good-looking woman remarking on it. But the gals all want to know if I can operate the shackle at warp speed in the event they want to…well, you know. I have altered my shackle, and though it probably negates product warranty, it is a highly useful change. See, I filed down the threads on the shackle pin. Now, the pin is held in place only by gravity and the slightest bit of friction. I can dazzle the ladies by whipping it out of the shackle and popping open the belt faster than you can say…well, uh, you know.
A: We cannot recognize or condone, officially, alterations made to our belts or shackles. But the man who signed himself as Diverdude from Houston gets our credit for being ingenious and thinking outside the box. We are, however, at a loss as to what medium he dives in.